I can tuck mytits in my pants
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
