you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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