I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
The Olympian is in my bed
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
