I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
