I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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