everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
