I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
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