i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
