I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
