you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
