the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
