Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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