I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Randomize
