HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
