smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
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