Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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