Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
