an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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