My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
