Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
