dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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