im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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