I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
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