Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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