Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
my liver is dry heaving
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
