i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
