Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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