oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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