i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Randomize
