Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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