I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
