I can tuck mytits in my pants
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize