her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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