Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
