Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Randomize
