we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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