she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Randomize
