Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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