He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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