mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I would ride that face into the sunset
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
