and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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