Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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