I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize