Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
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