I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Randomize
