my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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