Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
