I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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