My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize