oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
