she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Randomize
