she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Randomize
