I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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