My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
