I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
