I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
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