I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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