I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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