I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I cut my penus on the lid.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Randomize
