Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
