the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
