i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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