Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
