if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
