theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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