She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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