I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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