I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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