Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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