you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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